February 2012
187 posts
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Very tired tonight;
Excited that tomorrow is friday. Work, than the weekend. This week seems to have flown by so fast, despite how slow the days have been.
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Ohmygod.
So I was walking out of the gym and Cynthia (my manager) is getting out of her car, and it was like…honestly so weird. What a coincidence! So happy though, it was so strange seeing her! What are the chances?
Suddenly its becoming more and more urgent that these scars fade. We’re going to work out together, sometime, I’m sure. I wear t-shirts to the gym cause I sweat like crazy....
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Just thought about it...
I haven’t slept with anyone in over a month.
Ugh. Going to go to the gym tomorrow and run until all this fat melts off my body and I’m fit enough for people to take a second look at. Hello, this is me, stop staring at my fucking arms or else I’m going to punch you in the throat.
Going to go swimming tomorrow morning.
Fuck these scars.
Oh, and I fucking wanna hook up with someone, but I’m through with all my old boys, and I can’t think of anyone. Super annoying. Its been too long.
Oh Chef Ramsay.
<3 How I love you. Enjoying this new episode of kitchen nightmares.
(And then survivor tonight! Ugh, I’m glad I worked out this morning, I’ve been so inactive today, other than that.)
Hmm, I want my septum done (: But..with my balloon twisting job, I think it would be kind of inappropriate looking like that haha.
How long would a septum piercing take to heal, just enough so that I could take it out for an hour, and then put it right back in?
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A week without cutting.
Its starting to sink in….
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The combination of this amazing scar cream (3x a day +), and tanning daily, is really helping heal these cuts..
I can honestly see my scars fading. So fast. Too fast.
Not sure how I feel about that. It needs to happen though. I know I’m speeding up the process, but I’m desperate. I’m proud of my scars. These last two mornings I’ve went to work out in a t-shirt at the gym,...
Cynthia.
Today, I actually talked with my new manager. And…she asked me why I was in the hospital on wednesday. I didn’t know what to say. I just kinda shook my head, and she said “Its alright, I’ve been there you know.” And then I started crying, and…eventually I told her about my diagnosis, and how they were going to keep me overnight on the psych ward last week, and...
Going to call the hospital this morning and tell...
I’m afraid of the questions his secretary will ask me, to be honest… I’m scared of them. I hate them.
Anonymous asked: Is that you on the news? That's so awesome:D I'm happy for you!
WatchJump to 2:05!!!! The girl in the giant orange skirt, with the striped orange shirt, wearing balloon fairy wings. <3 making the red kitten for the little girl in red! (: Okay, okay, I know its only like 4 seconds, but this is tooo exciting for me. I’m dying here guys (;
Anonymous asked: It's great to see you so determined to "fix yourself"! :) Keep fighting girl, you can do it!
It hurts.
But its not unbearable anymore. I’ve been fighting extra hard lately, I haven’t harmed myself since wednesday. I’ve been putting on scar cream every morning and every evening. I’m sitting on my bed, right now, with my polysporin and moisturizers, and hemp lotion, and vitamin E oil. I’m going to heal my skin. Eventually I’m going to heal my mind. They say that...
Take a deep breath. Steri-strips are now your new...
I can do this.
I've been really upset.
sunkissedstitches:
Throwing temper tantrums sort of upset. Breakdowns. Tears, yelling, swearing, storming out, sitting on the floor. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. My mind is so shaken, it hurts.
I want to get better. 3 days clean.
It hurts. It hurts.
I’m going to spend this week getting better.
I’m quitting DBT. Quitting therapy for good.
My skin was so dry, especially on my face, and then...
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Parasuicide and suicidal gestures.
The way you’re talking to me, makes me feel like I CHOSE ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN. I’m trying to fix it! I didn’t mean for things to get this bad!! So when I try to make amends with you, don’t pick a fight and insult me.
All you are doing is justifying my thoughts; It...
Okay, wow, fuck it. My choices are this;
Go out with friends and not be alone.
Stay home and have nothing to do for 7 hours until bedtime, when I will, inevitably, continue to “mutilate” my arms.
But I’m not in the right “mindset” to go out.
Which is safer? Which is fucking safer….Leave me here with all of these emotions and this anger and lonlieness? Make me feel like I’m too unstable and...
I don't even want to get drunk anymore.
I could just go, not wear my shiny dress, but a plain black one and a long sleeve sweater, make an appearance, spend some time around strangers and loud music, go home early?
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Anonymous asked: You aren't crazy, you're just different. But all the most amazing people are, so keep your head up high. <3
Found a dress to get wasted in tomorrow night.
Teal blue. Reminds me of a dress a girl would wear to commencement sorta.
$9.99
At that price, who could say no (;
I’ll post pics tomorrow of it.
Anonymous asked: Why did you get sent to the mental hospital? :( <3
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They moved me to a room with a door, and told me to change into a gown. Take my shoes off, turn off my phone. I sobbed, frozen. Those first 20 minutes in that room were probably the closest I’ve gotten to actually believing that I was crazy. It felt like I was in a movie almost. There is something sick inside my head, but I do not believe it. They gave me a glass of orange juice and a...
I think at this point I'm just generally unhappy...
Branwen’s coming back, but she hasn’t bothered even sending me a text in month, and once we did talk on the phone and all she did was go on and on about how great her new friends are and how she loves school and how she’s excited for next year……while I’m sitting there with a towel on my arm cause she called in the middle of one of my cutting sessions….
...
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She told me, “I feel like I’m underwater”. She said that everything is so peaceful. You can hear people talking, noises, but everything seems so muffled, so far away. And its okay, because whatever they’re saying, just doesn’t matter anymore. you just want to close your eyes, because keeping them open is so much work. Everything looks so blurry anyways. You want...
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I’m so tired. My arm is a mess from yesterday. No motivation to clean it up.
Yesterday, one of the nurses came and talked to...
Dull blades and anger = mistakes.
One of these cuts is really really deep. Fuck. Please. Forgive me……
